A new way of working demands a new vocabulary. As marvelous as Zoom and other videoconferencing platforms are, a surfeit of technical glitches and user errors accompanies the typical call.
The author modestly proposes the following terms to describe our common experience—and common misery.
A Lexicon Of Zoom Fails
Bradibunchiness – When the main speaker is not on video, leaving a blank space in the grid
Caconphony – Multiple participants simultaneously speaking, stopping, speaking, stopping, and speaking again over one another because of a delay in the audio
Cataclypse – The interposition of a pet between participant and camera
Dumbonomy – using a chair with a headrest that makes it look like one has enormous ears
Eternitoff – The awkward silence at the end of a call while participants try to find the “Leave” button
Flashination – Standing up for a break, forgetting one is not wearing pants
Frocorona – The fuzzy halo that appears around the head of someone whose Zoom background does not quite cover up their dark environment
Inconkiderate – A parent who fails to go on mute when dealing with interrupting child
Icontactlessness – Positioning the camera so one is always looking offscreen
Karloffense – The sinister visage caused by uplighting from the computer screen
Kilroyalty – A camera angle showing the participant from the nose up
Librarely – making Zoom calls in front of a bookshelf filled with books one has never read
Loginterval – The awkward silence at the beginning of a call while participants wait for others to join
Nominotion – A participant displaying the wrong name because they are using someone else’s account
Onmutation – A valuable comment or response that is inaudible to the other participants
Outcognito – When virtually no one has the camera on
Platulence – Having successive calls on Zoom, Google Hangouts, Teams, GoToMeeting, and iChat
Scenarrhea – an unfortunate choice of Zoom background, such as Hooters for a business meeting
Sleepishness – snoring audibly while unmuted
Titleation – having an inappropriate book visible on the bookshelf behind one, such as “I Am Surrounded by Idiots” or “I Hate My Boss”
Tonitigeria – Backlighting so severe it turns the Zoom call participant into a featureless silhouette
Wifurcation – An interruption caused by a wireless network glitch
